ALCHEMAIR announced at noon today the successful testing of their radically new metallurgical process to recover gold in their facility at Sandy Hock, Long Island. Following eleven years of research and six years of pilot plant adjustments, the process has finally achieved a successful yield.

ALCHEMAIR public stock rose 32 percent between the time of the first announcement this afternoon and the close of today's market.

The ALCHEMAIR unit processes 660,000 cubic meters of moist sea level atmosphere per minute by suction, controlled remotely from a manned station 1,000 meters distant. Air is passed from the huge fan through a high intensity destabilized earth field to flocculair metal atoms normally distributed throughout the earth's gaseous envelope. A 30-megawatt carbon-activated dispersal filter removes interfering atoms, leaving only gold in the flocculair state. This product is collected in the gaseous condition by obverse centrifugal plasma fibrillation, then slowly cooled under a pressure of 100 atmospheres to casting temperature.

The chemical and physical properties of the product are confidential, but company officials indicate that the gold exceeds 100 percent purity and that the east coast will eventually be completely lined with huge suckers.

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Humorously Written By
Dr. Ralph E. Pray
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